In my 21 years of life I have completely ascertained that- I am my best friend.
Regardless of what all I lack, where I am, Who I am, whether low or high, lost or happy, directionless or determined, no-matter in which darkest sphere of my life I am in- weather I like it or not. It doesn't matter weather I recognize it or not- I am always there for myself like a shadow.
No matter how much I vagrant myself professionally and socially as I would like to hide myself, away in cozy corners of one part of the heart. No-matter who cares to follow me or not. I will be there for me weather I like it or not.
Growing up I was always secluded from the crowd of peers desperately trying to fit in and trying to create bonds of friendship, I had seen in various series, films and read in books always left me fantasied about real life love and friendship. In these tales people share their deepest secrets, dance like its the only thing for what they are here, sang like this what makes them real satisfaction, love like forever with fireflies all over igniting in same accord as there love with valleys all over and mountains capped with snow and beautiful small cottages romanticizing each and every moment. There people believed in beautiful hearts than what appears physically.Love seems to be ETERNAL and friendship was FLOURISHING, BUT, this was all fiction zillion miles away from reality.
This was all flooding since childhood of this little girl who always wanted to create a world like this where she too can have one only one friend like it and make the world a dazzling and ravishing place to live in. With one true friend where she can share anythingggg from lamest to craziest to wildest of matters. But this ideology of her let her to only isolation. whined up. bullied inherently always alone.
I told myself and my mom that I will find true friendship- I never stopped and I never do. I have read, watched and saw such companions in my immediate environment but never felt on my own. They could always count on each other and keep silly secrets. They would not led you make inferior or secondary because of better grades or isle of people following them for their friendship. Though you knew you were special. They would knock some sense into when you were desperately lacking that one thing.
Regardless of what all I lack, where I am, Who I am, whether low or high, lost or happy, directionless or determined, no-matter in which darkest sphere of my life I am in- weather I like it or not. It doesn't matter weather I recognize it or not- I am always there for myself like a shadow.
No matter how much I vagrant myself professionally and socially as I would like to hide myself, away in cozy corners of one part of the heart. No-matter who cares to follow me or not. I will be there for me weather I like it or not.
Growing up I was always secluded from the crowd of peers desperately trying to fit in and trying to create bonds of friendship, I had seen in various series, films and read in books always left me fantasied about real life love and friendship. In these tales people share their deepest secrets, dance like its the only thing for what they are here, sang like this what makes them real satisfaction, love like forever with fireflies all over igniting in same accord as there love with valleys all over and mountains capped with snow and beautiful small cottages romanticizing each and every moment. There people believed in beautiful hearts than what appears physically.Love seems to be ETERNAL and friendship was FLOURISHING, BUT, this was all fiction zillion miles away from reality.
This was all flooding since childhood of this little girl who always wanted to create a world like this where she too can have one only one friend like it and make the world a dazzling and ravishing place to live in. With one true friend where she can share anythingggg from lamest to craziest to wildest of matters. But this ideology of her let her to only isolation. whined up. bullied inherently always alone.
I told myself and my mom that I will find true friendship- I never stopped and I never do. I have read, watched and saw such companions in my immediate environment but never felt on my own. They could always count on each other and keep silly secrets. They would not led you make inferior or secondary because of better grades or isle of people following them for their friendship. Though you knew you were special. They would knock some sense into when you were desperately lacking that one thing.
Not to further surprise after so many obstacles and blockages and failed attempts of creating such friendships the heart eventually hardens up. I don't always have people to depend on neither I want to still they always end up breaking my trust some how. I persevered my efforts in still somehow managing to move ahead and further improving on creating beautiful strands of friendship, each time ending up having a nothing. It seems more and more normal. This carried on to the point that now I find solace in the glimpses of those true friendships which truly exists, where strong true bonds exists, I still desire the same thing, but now I know this thing also that it is an alluring reality that some people are truly blessed and lucky to find, but not at all necessary for others and that is fine. And because of all these, may be that's why I refrained me from using the term "best friend"-maybe it means too much to present it to anyone or maybe it means little since it is a rare find.
However, I have found myself. When I was excluded from parties, when I was rejected, when I gave and I gave and I gave hoping to get acceptance, when I fought with my parents or bogged down by external affairs- I had myself. The days in college when I don't even want to get out of my bed because I felt so weak that my fingers shivered, I somehow managed to pull out of the little shackle of my cozy quilt and treated myself with songs, ice-creams and food. The days and moments when I was excited for things no one could understand- I did and I had the comfort of knowing that if all else fails that I will always have me and that is the way it has been. I have always had a part of me to go back and forth with to try making sense of things. I have had myself to cry with and smile with remembering things from the past or living in the present. Most importantly- I have myself to understand me in ways no one ever will- my explosions, my desires, my anger, my anxiety, my love, my hate-ness. I have these realizations that change the foundational state of my being- "It is okay to be selfish, I am selfish aren't we all?" Relax. Breathe. " it is not the part of your life anymore, it is okay to let go, then to hold fake strands" "I know this is scary, shit". I have learned to deal with things on my own. I am independent- in the end I somehow I figure it all out and for me the less outside help I need the more comfortable I am. It is funny at the same time awe st-rucked of how things works out. I cannot relinquish too much, may be I am becoming more and more independent each day.
I open myself up to certain people but if in some moments I sense danger I go running back into my tiny bore hole and tell myself I can do this by my own self, other people have their own stuff to deal with anyway. I still do try though. I try to find friendship I can give myself in others hence the "finding myself in you". Every time I do let people in and I get hurt, it gets harder to be open again. "I can do this on my own. Who needs a relationship too? I will be a single mom oh yes oh yes. I can do it all" What an idiot, trying to persuade myself that I am not a social being that does not need even that one person. I know I can do it all, I believe my strength lies in the fact that I do not necessarily need other people to do life, but how it makes things easier to just let go...
In the current portrait of my life, I was shaken up to the core there was one person outside of myself to I really started feeling to call her my best friends, this person has obviously come closest to what I can give myself. Holy crap.......The struggle it has been to let this person in through the maze and let them see little by little the scars and the beautiful flowers I hide. It has been so crazy difficult relinquishing some sense of control as I leave myself vulnerable out in the open fields of human connections with little peripheral walls. Even now saying I need help is the biggest ordeal I face. If I get super discouraged like now days I bury myself deeper and deeper into my bore hole, but I try again. I think that is commendable enough. I think I play it safe when I bring my best friendship to myself because than I am giving no one the power to cause any pain or disappointment. The little me would be little sad to see the condition I have created for myself, but I know she would understand.
At the end of the day, I just want to be loved and feel comfortable in the presence of another human being. I just want to know that they are capable of loving me not just when I am happy and self-assured but also when I am sad and weak. It is not that hard to be friendly with me when my face brims with a smile on my lips, I am cracking jokes and sasssy statements or just having fun. It must not be that hard because I do have a lot of people I am friends with, they must be seeing something. It is hard to love me when I am not all of those things though, and for those who cannot I understand but I also do not like false and fake promises. When and if I do let go to you, in whatever degrees that may be, just know how hard that has been for me and that I must trust you. Maybe not in the full all in ways, but I do trust you and I will be there for you because I know how those dark lonely days feel like. I have a lot of love and friendship to share. I still believe in magic. Relinquishing control is not easy but it is somehow beautiful. It is beautiful just being able to fall back on somebody, somebody who hopefully knows how to love you when you are sad because that is so important. It is beautiful letting yourself in the sunshine and let its warmth play with your skin. Letting people in makes us less lonely.
Because even if I have myself to be my best friend, it is still just me and eventually it can get a little lonely.
However, I have found myself. When I was excluded from parties, when I was rejected, when I gave and I gave and I gave hoping to get acceptance, when I fought with my parents or bogged down by external affairs- I had myself. The days in college when I don't even want to get out of my bed because I felt so weak that my fingers shivered, I somehow managed to pull out of the little shackle of my cozy quilt and treated myself with songs, ice-creams and food. The days and moments when I was excited for things no one could understand- I did and I had the comfort of knowing that if all else fails that I will always have me and that is the way it has been. I have always had a part of me to go back and forth with to try making sense of things. I have had myself to cry with and smile with remembering things from the past or living in the present. Most importantly- I have myself to understand me in ways no one ever will- my explosions, my desires, my anger, my anxiety, my love, my hate-ness. I have these realizations that change the foundational state of my being- "It is okay to be selfish, I am selfish aren't we all?" Relax. Breathe. " it is not the part of your life anymore, it is okay to let go, then to hold fake strands" "I know this is scary, shit". I have learned to deal with things on my own. I am independent- in the end I somehow I figure it all out and for me the less outside help I need the more comfortable I am. It is funny at the same time awe st-rucked of how things works out. I cannot relinquish too much, may be I am becoming more and more independent each day.
I open myself up to certain people but if in some moments I sense danger I go running back into my tiny bore hole and tell myself I can do this by my own self, other people have their own stuff to deal with anyway. I still do try though. I try to find friendship I can give myself in others hence the "finding myself in you". Every time I do let people in and I get hurt, it gets harder to be open again. "I can do this on my own. Who needs a relationship too? I will be a single mom oh yes oh yes. I can do it all" What an idiot, trying to persuade myself that I am not a social being that does not need even that one person. I know I can do it all, I believe my strength lies in the fact that I do not necessarily need other people to do life, but how it makes things easier to just let go...
In the current portrait of my life, I was shaken up to the core there was one person outside of myself to I really started feeling to call her my best friends, this person has obviously come closest to what I can give myself. Holy crap.......The struggle it has been to let this person in through the maze and let them see little by little the scars and the beautiful flowers I hide. It has been so crazy difficult relinquishing some sense of control as I leave myself vulnerable out in the open fields of human connections with little peripheral walls. Even now saying I need help is the biggest ordeal I face. If I get super discouraged like now days I bury myself deeper and deeper into my bore hole, but I try again. I think that is commendable enough. I think I play it safe when I bring my best friendship to myself because than I am giving no one the power to cause any pain or disappointment. The little me would be little sad to see the condition I have created for myself, but I know she would understand.
At the end of the day, I just want to be loved and feel comfortable in the presence of another human being. I just want to know that they are capable of loving me not just when I am happy and self-assured but also when I am sad and weak. It is not that hard to be friendly with me when my face brims with a smile on my lips, I am cracking jokes and sasssy statements or just having fun. It must not be that hard because I do have a lot of people I am friends with, they must be seeing something. It is hard to love me when I am not all of those things though, and for those who cannot I understand but I also do not like false and fake promises. When and if I do let go to you, in whatever degrees that may be, just know how hard that has been for me and that I must trust you. Maybe not in the full all in ways, but I do trust you and I will be there for you because I know how those dark lonely days feel like. I have a lot of love and friendship to share. I still believe in magic. Relinquishing control is not easy but it is somehow beautiful. It is beautiful just being able to fall back on somebody, somebody who hopefully knows how to love you when you are sad because that is so important. It is beautiful letting yourself in the sunshine and let its warmth play with your skin. Letting people in makes us less lonely.
Because even if I have myself to be my best friend, it is still just me and eventually it can get a little lonely.
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